Accidents Happen………..By God's Design part 2

It's now been three weeks and one day since the accident. My life before that night seems almost like a different life to me. Or rather, like I'm living a different life now, one that doesn't quite feel my own. Yet, what was more confusing to me was the fact that, less than twenty four hours after I was handed back my life, people were still texting me about minor life details. How do I just…tell them that I almost died? How do I continue living my life normally, when it doesn't feel normal anymore? The evening that felt like 20 years had passed in my own life, was in reality, only 3 hours for everyone else. And they weren't gong to know I wasn't the same. They weren't going to see the thoughts and fixation I now had on the fine line between life and death. Life is fragile, momentary, and passing. Each moment is precious, valuable, and can never be had again. But those moments during that first week, they felt like a two-pronged attack on my emotional and physical states...

Scripture tells us that "To live is Christ, and to die is gain". And I wanted to believe that, even thought I did believe it. But one of the things I struggled with the most was the fact that, when it came down to it, I was terrified to die. Nothing could have scared me more. Nothing has ever scared me more than that thought that I was going to die. As a Christian, I know my future after death. I know I will spend eternity with Jesus in heaven. But I also know that I tend to cling tightly to my earthy home. Time with my earthly family seems sweeter to me than the thought of leaving them. I know this is wrong, and the stark reality that, I wasn't willing to give up all that I had for my Savior, made me cry more than once.

Anxiety gripped my heart constantly. I went to bed with it, and woke up with it. Anytime anyone left the house, I would have a mini panic attack and scramble to recall my last words to them, literally running after them if they weren't satisfactory. Cars terrified me, especially if I wasn't the one driving. Hugs seemed to be the thing I wanted most, and I snatched them every time I could get them. And still, there was that reel of images that seemed to be on repeat in my mind, playing each horrible moment over and over again, only adding to my fear. It was that one moment I wished I could forget forever, yet I know I'll never be able too.

The other half of the equation was my body. There is no more potent form of frustration than when you are now unable to accomplish simple things you've done all your life, and it's a terrible thing when you feel like your body is betraying you. It felt as if every muscle in me was frozen solid, refusing to move. No amount of hot baths, icing, or rubbing was enough to relieve the pain. 

And the headaches! They were handicapping and indescribable. Countless time I wondered if it really would be better if I just hit my head with a frying pan so as to be done with it. That first week, I was lucky if I could manage to have a meal with my family, much less work, or keep up on the normal things of life, like folding laundry. My motivation to get up just wasn't there. My head felt like it was going to explode, and I could hardly manage that, let alone you know, talking to people, communicating and such. 

Week two was better. Less soreness and bodily rebellion, but more regular headaches, intensifying in pain with each one, or so it seemed. The knowledge that I couldn't just sleep my life away motivated me to just press on. Life wasn't waiting for me, and I didn't want to miss any more of it. So I tried to push the pain aside, and continue with somewhat of a routine again. But it was humbling to not know my energy capacity for each day, to have to live life hour by hour, and also frustrating that, instead of improvement, my symptoms seemed more sever.

There was anger in my heart towards God. Not only had he taken my means of transportation, but He had also taken away my ability to serve others. I used my car to serve HIM, and also my own energy to serve HIM! Why in the world had He made it impossible for me to do either? There were opportunities I would have jumped at before, that now I had to turn down. It didn't seem fair to others or myself. Spending my time serving others was on of my favorite things in the world. And now all I had was a pounding heartache. All day, every day.

The first week, reading was impossible. But the second week, with so much time, and a determination to do anything I could potentially manage, I threw myself into Scripture. Spending hours reading, writing, and praying. More than one morning I remember my angry heart crying out "FOUL!" as I sat before the throne, but still, each day He took me in, angry heart and all. I had been daily questioning the Lord in His purpose through all of this, but gradually, I began to question my own heart, and began instead asking the Lord to show me my heart.

Week three, my heart's new theme was, He is faithful, and He will be again! A conviction of an independence attitude began to grow in my heart. And I saw this in more areas than one. My desires sounded good, and typically, they were for good things. But God's are BEST, and my desire for Him, my soul's dependance on Him should far surpass anything else. And if our desires are misaligned, He is kind enough to realign them for us, removing the stumbling block holding us back from doing so. 

I don't all the reasons for why, don't have the answers to my questions, and wouldn't want to. But I do know that I am so…thankful that my car hit that tree. So thankful for the extra time I've had lately. So thankful for those daily headaches. Because I've had to be totally dependent on His provision for my practical needs. I've been able to draw closer to Him than I ever have before. And those painful reminders of my weakness? They are daily reminders to me that, without His strength and help, I really can do nothing. Those headaches help me to acknowledge that the entirety of my body and soul are tied to Him. Instead of healing them, it seems that He wishes to give me strength to endure them. And my heart has come to place of contentment in that, it is still an answer to my prayers. 

Still, He loves to shower me with gifts! Like blessing me with a day pain free, which was such a special treat. An anonymous financial donation, to go towards a new car. Sisters with hearts of gold, giving what little they have to another. And many crystal clear memories with those I love most. These gifts have spurred me to strive towards a soulful dependance on God, even when I feel like I can tackle my day independently. A heart to bless others without man's praise, but God's alone. To not be ashamed if I have little, but cheerfully hold what I have with open hands, knowing it is not mine to begin with. And to cherish every moment God has given me, for each one is a gift. To take our time here on earth for granted would be a waste of God's generosity towards His children. 

I'm still struggling with fear, anxiety, and trusting in the Lord's good plan for the lives around me. Daily, I have to remind myself that this world is not my home, this life is not the end, and to die is gain. There is still discouragement, and frustration as I live with the changes around me. But there is also contentment with my current circumstances, appreciation for the slow days I have, delight in life's tiny joys, and the assurance that the Lord just wants me to seek Him. That's all I'm called to do right now! And more than that? "I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion." and with that in mind? What have I to fear?

"Still wonderin' why I'm here, Still wrestling with my fear, But oh... He's up to something! And the farther out I go, I've seen enough to know, That I'm not here for nothin'… He's up to somethin'.

So there is hope for me yet, Because God won't forget, All the plans He's made for me, I have to wait and see. He's not finished with me yet, He's not finished with me yet."  ~ Brandon Heath

Accidents Happen............By God's Design part 1

Three weeks ago, if you had asked me about my life, I would have said it was average; boring even. If you had inquired after me personally, I would have smiled and said, "Good!". But inside, I would be thinking of my growing discontentment in circumstances, restlessness with life's slow pace, and frustration that the Lord was not directing me.

Those thoughts were me. That's who I was three weeks ago...

You know that phrase, "life changes in the blink of an eye"? Do you believe that? With our great God, you should. You never know what each passing moment might bring. Like a heavy rain storm at 9pm, with sheets of water pouring down on the roads faster than it can drain off.
And then the next moment, you're running the thirty feet to your car, soaked to the bone by the time you reach it.

Another moment comes; the car tires make contact with a mini stream, and you look up from the passenger seat to see the world swerving this way and that, as a grip on the concrete is desperately trying to be reestablished.

Moments tick by slower now, the car's sideways motion down the steep 20 foot ditch brings the dark shapes of a forrest ever closer. Not a forrest, a tree; the only tree that matters. One tree, growing bigger and bigger, beginning to fill your window.
The next moment, the inside of your eyelids are all you see as you squeeze your eyes shut. Realization that, the next time you opened them, it will either be to see your Maker, or else a hospital ceiling, dawns on you.

Tick, tock. Car meets tree, and you meet car. Your body is ripped from you, whilst simultaneously being viciously shoved right back where it belongs. Then you realize, you have neither died nor been incapacitated. This moment, it seems to be the longest of all, instead of merely moving slowly, time has stopped entirely. Other than your assessment of mental stability, there is no sensation. Your extremities feel numb, unimportant, and unresponsive. Your mind is working in overtime now. Your first thought is one of relief. The fact that no other car or person was impacted over the last 45 seconds of terror is not lost on you. You feel immense joy, enough so to bring tears to your eyes, but none come. Your next thought. You didn't die. Though there is pain beginning to creep in, you're alive enough to feel it, and this thought is precious. When you have a moment of doubt that your existence will endure, then the reality of life means more to you than the prospect of a hundred Christmas mornings, or every dream imaginable coming true. Again, an expectation of tears, though your eyes remain dry.

Your moment in the endless abyss of "what if's" is ended by a voice, someone is speaking to you. Your mind has to concentrate to make sense of the words. AM I ok? I just thought I was going to die! No, I'm not ok!
"Yes, I'm fine" you manage to mumble. The voice again; something about pain, or hurt? For the first time, you take notice of your own body. Every muscle in every part of you is tight as iron, from clenched jaw, down to the rolled toes in your shoes. Your heart is still beating in your ears as if every pump is it's last. You will your hands, fingers in fists, to relax. That dull pain is increasing now, originating from the side of your head that hit the door frame. The shattered glass from the window is everywhere, shards stuck in your face, gritted in your teeth, laced under every hair on your head, down your shirt, poking your chest and abdomen, even a piece in your eye, becoming more and more irritated with each blink. 

Every movement brings a sharp reminder of more glass. But your head! The throbbing is making it hard for you to think. You chin starts trembling, and soon the rest of your body follows. Was it cold? A little. Of all the sensations in your body, temperature discomfort seems like a superfluous one at the moment.

The voice again inquires after injury. "No, I'm...fine. Are YOU hurt?" the words don't seem your own, and everything is surreal. Confirmation of health is given, and that's that. Now, there is only pain. And life. Nothing else. Everything else is just too much work, too much to take in.
A sharp voice brings you out of your mental nothingness. "Drinking? No, ma'am. No, we were NOT drinking... Police? Ok, we'll wait here." Like you are going to do anything else.

The voice beside you starts speaking again, but this time, not to you. Something about picking us up? Only person you want to see right now is your momma. You never said goodbye to her before you left the house today... And your little sisters, your last words to them were in annoyance because they always wait until you're walking out the door before demanding hugs and kisses, inevitably making you late. Now, you would give anything for one of their hugs.

A sense of claustrophobia starts to creep in. The car wrapping the tree had snapped your seat in half, and you are hardly sitting on anything now, except glass. Your fitness fanatic friend would be proud of the length of time you've sat Roman Chair, but your muscles are so overworked, there is hardly a sensation of soreness. You have to get out. NOW. The broken widow has been letting in gusts of rain and cold air, intensifying your shivers. Whether they began from the wet, cold, or adrenalin is unknown, what you do know is you are cold now. Freezing, actually.

"Sitting on glass...Have to...move." you mumble, without any of the urgency that is in your mind. Somehow, the ability to communicate with anything other than a monotone is lost to you. But you have to get OUT! Whether it is through the broken widow or over the driver, you are getting out of that seat, out of the bath of glass you've been sitting in, and away from the tree of death(or was it life?) that is still staring you in the face. 

A prompt shuffling of seats, and now you're sitting at the wheel. Still, your eyes are drawn back to the tree, taking in the damage to the car. There's no saving it, it's totaled alright. Both doors on the right side are caved in like they were made of tin foil. Incredulity that the mere foot of space left on the passenger side was enough to keep you unharmed hits you like a ton of bricks. You almost died. You SHOULD have died.
"Ma'am, are you ok?" Why does everyone keep asking you that? If they would just give you half a moment, you might be able to figure out an answer! You give the officer an obligatory response, followed by a violent shiver.

Slowly, you're escorted through the rain to the warmth of the officer's vehicle. Inches of thick mud beneath your feet cakes the sides of your boots, but it's no wonder since you can scarcely bend your knees.  The desire to sleep, to be done with all of this, to forget everything, overwhelms you. The image of the tree meeting your face involuntarily plays over and over in your mind, and there is no distraction strong enough to keep it at bay.

Now in the family's Suburban, you look any direction but toward the flashing red and blue lights. Closing your eyes won't do. No, not at all. No amount of warm air can seem to stop your shivers and teeth chattering. Finally, that hug you've been silently longing for happens, and it feels nice, but also somehow, empty. No amount of hugging can erase the memories in your mind, can take away the fear in your heart. Cue the tears. Despite the agitation in one eye, they now come whether you want them to or not. They are few though, not the floodgates you expected. But the shiver-sobs are many, only adding to your exhaustion.

Moments blur together now, and nothing seeming important enough to grab your attention.

Then the car starts, and suddenly all your mental haze is gone, replaced with an involuntary awareness of every pothole, incline, curve, break, and speed increase. Each curve feels like you're sliding down that ditch again, every break, like the tree is coming for your head. The 10 minute drive feels like a year.

Home never looked so sweet, never felt so inviting. Your continual shivering has finally ceased, leaving you so exhausted, even standing is a burden. You body is screaming for sleep, yet your mind rejects the very thought of it. If blinking brings memories to mind, who knows what would come if you try to sleep. The thought is terrifying. But the feeling of total warmth is inviting, luring you towards sleep, to let go and just sleep. Finally, you reached that place, that place of so much exhaustion that everything inside and outside of you has just stopped. And finally, FINALLY, you sleep. Like a rock.

Tidbits of Truth

"Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore, do not be anxious."  ~Matthew 6:26-30

In this world today, everyone has an angle. Each time we open our eyes, we see our situations, our emotions, our LIVES through a certain angle. Maybe it's more of a subconscious angle, but an angle none the less. Whether your angle is that of when the next ice cream truck will pass your house, or how you can take over the world in 30 minutes or less, we all live with angles. Mine tends to be that of what I can control in my life.

I strive to find things I can control, and then try to place them at the center of my existence. Those things are what my life revolves around. They make me feel like I have power over something. "I'VE got THIS area of my life together. THIS area is under MY control." And then, sure enough, as soon as I smugly think such thoughts, the Lord's humorous side come out. WA-LA! I'm left, blinking, holding NOTHING at the "center of my existence". Instead, I watch the Lord remind me that it never was in my control to begin with, as He removes my, so called, "control" over that situation, or schedule, or item. He once more seeks to draw my trust back to HIM, rather than IT, by removing the interfering "it", leaving me with nothing left in my center, but HIMSELF.

And it hurts sometimes! It hurts something AWFUL! But once I place that trust back in Him, and return Him to His rightful place at the very center of myself, there is so much more PEACE and JOY than there ever was in anything material that I might have sought to control. It's often helpful for me to have reminders of how the Lord's control, is ALWAYS, ALWAYS better than my own. I want to be able to look back someday and SEE just how sweet it was to wait on Him! I want to remember His faithfulness to me. And tell my children, and grand-children, and GREAT grand-children, of how He has never STOPPED being faithful to me!

So may this context help to frequently remind me of His active, constant, work in my life. And may I NEVER stop looking for all the ways in which He IS at work to provide for me, just as He does for the sparrows and the lilies! He's ALWAYS been faithful, and WILL be AGAIN!
To HIM, and Him ALONE, be all glory, and honor, and praise FOREVER!